better off

And just when you thought
That you hit rock bottom
The stone turns to sand
Just like leaves turn in autumn
Recluse you slip away again
Draw into your own skin
Nothing but a body of suffering
Masked behind a grin
Your eyes fool the masses
Two shields thwart a leer
For it is what lies behind them
That you truly fear
Your front is so friendly
Your actions speak otherwise
Reinvent the word liar
To disband all your lies
So much like the stone
That disbands into sand
Your world as you knew it
Is all in their hands
For they chose for you
Because you chose to let them
And now you realize
You were better off

no name

It was just another lackluster evening
So we decided to skip town
These faces begin to blend together
These places they turn to black and white
No direction, no plan of telling
Anyone about anything tonight

This night is our own as we lie
Between the sand and the stars
Ocean side, the soundtrack to
Words turning into motion
And explosions in the sky
Rain down upon us

We use each others skins
As blankets to keep us warm
You watched me go through the motions
Of another restive night
But no terrors can outweigh
The freedom that your still presence brings

This night is our own as we lie
Between the sand and the stars
Ocean side, the soundtrack to
Words turning into motion
And explosions in the sky
Rain down upon us

And just before the sun
Others began to arrive
The sandman circled around
No one had a clue
And we laughed

This night is our own as we lie
Between the sand and the stars
Ocean side, the soundtrack to
Words turning into motion
And explosions in the sky
Rain down upon us

Love, Love, Love, Love, Love.

Love can lift you up, Making you feel higher than the strongest drugsand stronger than the highest of butresses. Love can cure, Making all of your petty and even greatest of problems disolve away in the mist collecting on the inside of a box of glass, both natural and fiber. Love can kill, All that a person stands for when it is mistreated in such a manner that is both cruel and unusual punishment, unneccessary and grueling. Love can destroy, Everything that you have come to know as beautiful and perfect, slowly tearing you down in what seems like inevitable and never ending defeat. Love is amazing, The only thing that can bring you to such extremees on either side of the spectrum, but is it really worth it anymore?

just kill me (figuratively)

and get it over with. look me in the eyes and tell me. tell me you don't want to be with me. tell me you think you're better off with him. tell me he makes you smile. tell me he gives you butterflies. tell me nothing i could do could ever add up to him. tell me that he's smarter than I am. tell me that he's stronger than I am. tell me that he has a better influence on you than I do. tell me that he appreciates you more than i do. tell me that he makes you laugh. tell me that he tries harder. tell me that he kisses better. tell me that you feel safe in his arms. tell me that you have a better time around him. tell me that he does more than I ever could to show how much he cares. tell me that you trust him more. tell me that you enjoy his company. tell me that you talk to him more. tell me that he calls more. tell me that he gives more. tell me that I will never amount to anything he has ever done or said to or for you.

Because it is your inability to look me in the eyes and say these things that is why I am still here.
Because know that you can't say these things because you know they are not true.
Because you know you would be happy with me, but you think you're pleasing your friends, when they couldn't fucking care less.
Because I love you.
Because I am an idiot.

I know you still care for me.
I know you still think of me.
I know you know that I would be better for you.
I know you know you could be happy with me.

But if I am wrong, all that I ask is get it over with and kill me. Tell me how it is. Tear me down to the ground, theres not much left of me so it will be very easy to do so. Let me rise again and start a new. Please.

drain

I have a lot of friends. Friends that care about me. Friends, who in recent days have showed me a really good time. Friends, who when i am around them, I don't think or care about everything that has been eating at me over these last few months of my life. I really cannot thank these people enough. I needed this weekend and last weekend real bad. It has been so long since i've felt so accepted, and that is exactly what i need right now. I really couldn't be happier with my social life right now.
So I'd like to thank the following people for a great couple of weekends, and hopefully many more to come, and/or just being there:
Lacey
Larissa
Nick
Adam
Nicole
Brittanee
Nikki
Eric
Raff
Cristin
Ron
Jerry
Cameron
and other people that i've chilled with and forgot to mention.

With that being said, the rest of this entry is going to be pretty whiney and depressing, so if you chose to read on, don't be like god Glenn needs to get a life and stop being so depressed and quit whining.

However, the second I leave these people, or the second I lay down at night these memories and feelings just begin to eat at me again and again and I'm just totally wasting away. I have speant the last six months giving everything I could to show that I cared and wanted to be with this one person, even though she doesn't care for me at all. I know what I'm doing is stupid, I know shes never going to want to be with me, but I just can't let it go. As much as I say I want to, I really don't. It's my fault that I'm like this and that I'm not moving on and getting over it, but I can't stop. She was the closest thing I have had to happiness in so long, and finding what I have found in her seems so far out of my reach, so I guess that is why I'm having such a hard time letting go. Maybe it is the fact that she chooses to say nothing when I tell her how I feel about her, or how she won't just come out and tell me that she does or does not care about me anymore. Maybe it is the fact that she is with a complete douche bag who hasn't done shit to show he even gives a fuck about her in the last 6 months, while i continue to sit here and give her all I can give. Maybe it is because when we talk or hang out its exactly the same as when things were good between us. Maybe I'm just a complete and total fucking idiot. Maybe it is all of those things. Maybe it's more. I don't know. The fucked up thing is as much as I love her, she has lied to me and hurt me more than anyone else has in my entire life. You think I would just tell her to fuck off and move on. You think I would realize that I'm better than that, but I just can't do it.
There are a lot of other things going on in my life right now too, that I'm not going to talk about, and I know things could be so, so much worse, but I'm am just a mess right now. My insomnia is getting worse and just taring me apart. It makes me sick. I've had a head ache every day for like two months. I can't think strait. My health is a joke right now and I have really just stopped giving a shit.
I don't know. All I'm sure of is that I need to get my shit together.
I would kill move on, find someone who is real and down to earth that I can share everything with, hold, care for, and recieve just as much as I give to her. Someone who will love and care for me no matter what and will be there when I need her. I don't need anyone, but I would love to have someone.

kill kill kill til theres nothing left to kill

The USA went into Syria today in efforts to take down a small Al Quieda sect, killing many innocent men, women and children while they were at it.When is it going to end?How many people can you kill for peace?How many buildings can you bomb for freedom?Just how many innocent lives does it take to install DemocracyMaybe instead of erratically bombing and killing we should be effectively communitcating more with those who we are punishing?Have we learned nothing from Vietnam?Is there any body thinking what I am?It has been five years since George Bush delivered his "Mission Accomplished," speech on the U.S.S. Lincoln. Five years. Since then, 3,924 troops have been killed in Iraq, which is well over the ammount of people killed in 9/11. Not to mention that Iraq had absolutely nothing to do with those attacks.This war has gone on long enough. There is no mission and there is no end in sight. You cannot beat terroism people. It is a concept. It isn't a target or an object that someone can defeat. It is an idea. Just like god and religion or the war on drugs. It will always exist no matter what anyone does or says about it.Open your eyes.

Tick

why am i so patient
why am i so kind
why would i do anything for any love of mine
even though i know that
i will get nothing in return
why am i so easywhy am i so calm
why would i just stand by
while you are on his arm
why am i so calm
when my heart is ticking like a bomb
when my head is ticking like a bomb
when my heart explodes just like a fucking ticking bomb

It must be you

I have a habit chasing after what I cant have
And falling victim to the oldest tricks
The classic excuses
When you are told it’s not you its me
Time after time
You start to realize that maybe it is you
After all
It must be you.

Nonsense

As we drive, you stare out the window.
I focus on the road and wonder what it is you're thinking.
I focus on the road and hope that it's me.

As the sunlight dies, you rest your eyes.
I focus on the road and wonder what it is you're dreaming.
I focus on the road and hope that it's me.

But I know,
I know i don't stand a chance.
And I Know,
I know my head will get the best of me.
But I think,
I think you're the most beautiful person.
And I think,
I think I'm crazy for hoping for such nonsense.

As we walk, we talk about our past.
I focus on your words, and hope for your perfect future.
I focus on your words, and hope that i can be a part of it.

As we sit in silence.
I focus on myself, and hope these fluid thoughts won't drown my brain.
I focus on myself, and wonder why i'm not anxious when you're near.

But I know,
I know i don't stand a chance.
And I Know,
I know my head will get the best of me.
But I think,
I think you're the most beautiful person.
And I think,
I think I'm crazy for hoping for such nonsense.

I am crazy for hoping for such nonsense.

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

I am so damn tired of people holding what Obama's reverend said against him and his family.First off, just think of all the dumb ass people you know. Lets face it, we all have a friend or two or more, who say some really stupid shit. Now imagine if everything that they said was held against you, and inhibitted you from a goal or aspiration of yours. That would be pretty messed up right? Thats like having a friend say to you "Im gunna go party it up tonight," and then you get arrested when they get drunk and piss in their neighbor's mailbox.Secondly, for you McCain supporters, lets say HIS priest came out and admitted that he was a white supremicist. I guarantee that just about everyone of you would defend and still vote for McCain.Finally, who honestly gives a shit about what Barack Obama's preist thinks. Seriously, let it go people. He's just some angry black man speaking out on behalf of other angry black people, (which they totally have the right to be angry after the whole enslaving of their anscestors ordeal) a category that Barack Obama DOES NOT fit into.

I know You Know

Just breath in
and breath out into me,
filling my lungs with something
that will take me away from all of this.
Drown out all of the thoughts and voices
telling you to make up your mind,
and for once in your life just do what feels right.
I can't remember a time where everything's been alright,
but in this moment you are all i see,
all i feel and breath,
all i taste, all i smell,
all i want within every ince of my body,
within every cavity of my mind.

So let me take you away
Don't even think about it.
Because I know you know everything would be okay.
So please don't follow your head and trust in your heart,
or else this world we created will just fall apart.
But if you just let it happen,
I know you know everything would be okay.
I know you know.

So just let go,
and lean into me.
Forgetting everyone and everything else
that may be trying to drive in between us.
They say you need to worry about my past,
But they don't know the half of it.
We've both been to hell and back,
and we never ever want to go back again.
But never let fear stand in the way of what you want.
I know this is what you want.

So let me take you away.
Don't even think about it.
Because I know you know everything would be okay.
So please don't follow your head and trust in your heart,
or else this world we created will just fall apart.
But if you just let it happen,I know you know everything would be okay.
I know you know.

I've waited here so long
and given so much to be here with you like this
I don't know why you can't just tell me
what it is you've been meaning to say.
I've waited so long and given so much
just to hold you in my arms,
and you can't even express
what i already know to be true.
All you owe anyone is to be true.

So let me take you away.
Don't even think about it.
Because I know you know everything would be okay.
So please don't follow your head and trust in your heart,
or else this world we created will just fall apart.
But if you just let it happen,
I know you know everything would be okay.

I know you know.

And so it Goes

The minute I heard the phone ring I had a clear preconceived notion even before I answered that made heart sink deep into the pit of my stomach. Over the few weeks prior to this phone call, she just seemed so distant. It was almost like she wanted nothing to do with me at all anymore. I could tell immediately by the unpromising tone of her voice that this call could very well be the end of what may have grown into a truly beautiful, wonderful and long lasting relationship. After roughly forty minutes of beating around the bush, she finally began the oration that I was waiting for. When you hear the same old "It's not you, it's me," excuse time after time, you begin to catch on that maybe it is you after all. She apologized over and over, saying " There are plenty of girls out there that would fall for you like dead doves," as if I wanted anyone else.

It had been four long months of patiently waiting for her, being there for her every second, talking to her every night, doing everything I possibly could to be with her and to show her how much she truly meant to me. Because of that, I have lost my friends, my family, and I have lost touch with myself in so many ways. I have lost touch with people, feelings and values that have are so much more important. It is so obvious from the outside looking in that I should have just ran in the opposite direction, but from the inside looking out it is almost like there is no feasible way you could escape even if you wanted to, no matter how bad things really were. So many nights I spend lying awake just wishing and hoping for that phone to ring, only this time everything that I've been wanting to hear will be said, and everything will be okay, but I know that just is not possible.

This was not the first time that this has happened to me, there have been other relationships that turned out the exact same way, but this will be the last time. It feels that every time I open myself up to a person all I am doing is opening myself for them to take all they want and give nothing in return, and that is exactly what happens every time. In the words of the great lyricist, Billy Joel, "And every time I've held a rose, it seems I've only felt the thorns, and so it goes, and so it goes, and so will you soon I suppose." There is no other lyric that could express my feelings on this issue any better.

For most people, they would give up and stop being so caring and so willing to be there for those they truly care about, but I will not. I will never change who I am for anyone but myself. Perhaps I should learn to be happy with myself before I can be happy in a relationship. Maybe then, I wouldn't take things as hard as I do when they do not work out. Perhaps being the way I am does set me up to be hurt by those who may seek to take advantage of how kind, caring and passionate I can be in a relationship. However, I know once I do find that special person, if I have not found her already, that she will appreciate me for exactly who I am, and would never expect any more or any less out of me. It will be real, true, and mutual love. Something I have felt for others, but have never had another feel for me.

Sarah Palin is a Dangerous, Dangerous Woman

Sarah Palin is a dangerous, dangerous woman, and a giant leap in the opposite direction for the progress and opression that the women of America have over come over the last 100 years. The woman does not have single thought of her own. She has been being briefed and brainwashed for the last 5 weeks by, you guessed it, and bunch of fucking old white men. You cannot honestly tell me that John McCain chose Sarah Palin because he thought she was some remarkable woman whose vice presidency is in the best interest of the United States. He picked her in a pathetic attemp to get more votes. That is not a step forward for women, it is a step backwards. Also, she will be taking away the right for a woman to choose what she can do with her body, meaning abortions, and is against same sex benefits for all homosexual men and women. That is not a step forward, it is a step backwards. Now listen, Governor Palin was a mayor of a town with 1/5th the population of North Port, Florida, and Governor of a state with the largest land mass and lowest population. That is not experience. Being briefed on what to do and say to the public for five weeks is not experience. Meeting with leaders one time and talking over lunch in not experience. She has absolutely no idea wha tthe hell she is doing. People, keep in mind that when you are voting for president, their vice president is one heart beat away from running the country. Not one of you can honestly tell me that if McCain and Obama were out of the picture and it were Biden and Palin up there running for president that you would honestly go out and vote for senator Palin.Yeah, shes pretty and she talks very cute, just like a nice wholesome soccer mom. But Mrs. Palin, you are running for vice president of the United States of America. Cut the cute talk and the bullshit and take your position a little more seriously. As we saw tonight, she held herself together very well, and managed to not make a fool out of herself. However, not once did she ever come out and directly answer a single question, and she made it painfully obvious on several occassions that she had no idea what the hell Joe Biden was talking out. For example, when Biden was talking about the mortgage crisis and Palin was asked if she agreed, she said, "Yeah, but what I'd really like to talk about is..." and that was when i started screaming at the tv and tuning out every word she said. As I stated earlier, Sarah Palin is a dangerous, dangerous women. Please vote, please make a wise decision, put your petty party and political ideology aside for once and just vote based on the greater good of this nation. Whether you support Obama or McCain, make your voice heard. Register and go out and vote. Get involved with your government. Remember, you control the government, they don't control you, unless you let them.