Love, Love, Love, Love, Love.

Love can lift you up, Making you feel higher than the strongest drugsand stronger than the highest of butresses. Love can cure, Making all of your petty and even greatest of problems disolve away in the mist collecting on the inside of a box of glass, both natural and fiber. Love can kill, All that a person stands for when it is mistreated in such a manner that is both cruel and unusual punishment, unneccessary and grueling. Love can destroy, Everything that you have come to know as beautiful and perfect, slowly tearing you down in what seems like inevitable and never ending defeat. Love is amazing, The only thing that can bring you to such extremees on either side of the spectrum, but is it really worth it anymore?

just kill me (figuratively)

and get it over with. look me in the eyes and tell me. tell me you don't want to be with me. tell me you think you're better off with him. tell me he makes you smile. tell me he gives you butterflies. tell me nothing i could do could ever add up to him. tell me that he's smarter than I am. tell me that he's stronger than I am. tell me that he has a better influence on you than I do. tell me that he appreciates you more than i do. tell me that he makes you laugh. tell me that he tries harder. tell me that he kisses better. tell me that you feel safe in his arms. tell me that you have a better time around him. tell me that he does more than I ever could to show how much he cares. tell me that you trust him more. tell me that you enjoy his company. tell me that you talk to him more. tell me that he calls more. tell me that he gives more. tell me that I will never amount to anything he has ever done or said to or for you.

Because it is your inability to look me in the eyes and say these things that is why I am still here.
Because know that you can't say these things because you know they are not true.
Because you know you would be happy with me, but you think you're pleasing your friends, when they couldn't fucking care less.
Because I love you.
Because I am an idiot.

I know you still care for me.
I know you still think of me.
I know you know that I would be better for you.
I know you know you could be happy with me.

But if I am wrong, all that I ask is get it over with and kill me. Tell me how it is. Tear me down to the ground, theres not much left of me so it will be very easy to do so. Let me rise again and start a new. Please.

drain

I have a lot of friends. Friends that care about me. Friends, who in recent days have showed me a really good time. Friends, who when i am around them, I don't think or care about everything that has been eating at me over these last few months of my life. I really cannot thank these people enough. I needed this weekend and last weekend real bad. It has been so long since i've felt so accepted, and that is exactly what i need right now. I really couldn't be happier with my social life right now.
So I'd like to thank the following people for a great couple of weekends, and hopefully many more to come, and/or just being there:
Lacey
Larissa
Nick
Adam
Nicole
Brittanee
Nikki
Eric
Raff
Cristin
Ron
Jerry
Cameron
and other people that i've chilled with and forgot to mention.

With that being said, the rest of this entry is going to be pretty whiney and depressing, so if you chose to read on, don't be like god Glenn needs to get a life and stop being so depressed and quit whining.

However, the second I leave these people, or the second I lay down at night these memories and feelings just begin to eat at me again and again and I'm just totally wasting away. I have speant the last six months giving everything I could to show that I cared and wanted to be with this one person, even though she doesn't care for me at all. I know what I'm doing is stupid, I know shes never going to want to be with me, but I just can't let it go. As much as I say I want to, I really don't. It's my fault that I'm like this and that I'm not moving on and getting over it, but I can't stop. She was the closest thing I have had to happiness in so long, and finding what I have found in her seems so far out of my reach, so I guess that is why I'm having such a hard time letting go. Maybe it is the fact that she chooses to say nothing when I tell her how I feel about her, or how she won't just come out and tell me that she does or does not care about me anymore. Maybe it is the fact that she is with a complete douche bag who hasn't done shit to show he even gives a fuck about her in the last 6 months, while i continue to sit here and give her all I can give. Maybe it is because when we talk or hang out its exactly the same as when things were good between us. Maybe I'm just a complete and total fucking idiot. Maybe it is all of those things. Maybe it's more. I don't know. The fucked up thing is as much as I love her, she has lied to me and hurt me more than anyone else has in my entire life. You think I would just tell her to fuck off and move on. You think I would realize that I'm better than that, but I just can't do it.
There are a lot of other things going on in my life right now too, that I'm not going to talk about, and I know things could be so, so much worse, but I'm am just a mess right now. My insomnia is getting worse and just taring me apart. It makes me sick. I've had a head ache every day for like two months. I can't think strait. My health is a joke right now and I have really just stopped giving a shit.
I don't know. All I'm sure of is that I need to get my shit together.
I would kill move on, find someone who is real and down to earth that I can share everything with, hold, care for, and recieve just as much as I give to her. Someone who will love and care for me no matter what and will be there when I need her. I don't need anyone, but I would love to have someone.